[This post contains pictures of my sick baby in PICU and discussion of baby loss - some readers may find this triggering or upsetting.] Friday 1 NovemberRaised my concerns with today's consultant on ward rounds - she was very understanding. She is one of our favourite consultants, I find it easier to speak to her, … Continue reading PICU – November (part 2)
[This blog contains pictures of my sick baby in PICU - some readers might find this triggering] The blue lights were bright and blinding - they were all I could hear. I was still crying when I stepped out of the ambulance. I looked around at the parents holding their babies outside A&E; they were … Continue reading PICU (October – part 1)
In hindsight, our first trip to PICU might not have been related to bronchiolitis at all. Looking back, the symptoms, the heavy breathing and the agitation, desats and discoloration, sounded like the new diagnosis. One of Lugh's "episodes" as they became known on the ward. The cardiology meeting on Wednesday 2nd October was a big … Continue reading The new diagnosis
Monday 30th September 2019 I'm writing this on my outdated WordPress app, sitting on the bed, Lugh is swaddled up beside me like a little burrito. He's wearing a white beanie on his head, made from a bandage, hiding a cannula beneath. The bedsheets are sterile, cold, and the colour of toothpaste. It's day 14 … Continue reading The Next 80 Days
Dear Lugh, Happy birth day. Today, July 14th, is your due date. Yesterday you were 100 days old, but today, you are corrected day zero. The clock has been reset, and according to doctors and nurses, you should now be developing like a "normal" term baby. But to me, you are 101 days old, and … Continue reading A letter from Mummy to Lugh, on your due date.
Edit: I started writing this piece 6 weeks ago. I didn't realise, at the time, the traumatic impact this experience had on me, and it only began to materialise as I began to document my memories. I found I was writing paragraphs and then feeling exhausted, emotionally and physically. I felt heavy afterwards; my eyes, … Continue reading Heaven and Hell
Everybody keeps telling me "you're very brave". But I don't feel very brave. I feel the opposite of very brave - I feel very scared. I feel constantly on the edge, all the time. I feel a lot of things - I feel shock. I feel disbelief. I feel jealously of healthy babies and their … Continue reading The grieving and the guilt